Tuesday, February 2, 2010

"That wasn't in the plan, but it works."

Dear Blog,

Little miss Juniper Lucy turned 2 months old yesterday and she is getting so big. She feels much more substantial (physically) now. I think she has mastered holding her head up very well. I can pull her up from lying to standing just holding her arms. She has been smiling for a month and smiles more and more each day. Right now she enjoys the ceiling fan. She smiles at it like it is making jokes and faces at her. I must say that I actually enjoy changing diapers. I find her bum and little frog legs so cute and the only way I see them is when I change her. Speaking of dirty diapers, she cannot stand to be wearing one. She enjoys bath time but does not enjoy the cold shock when she comes out of the water. Heath and I always joke that her best friends (aka her hands) are always getting her into trouble: Hitting her in the face, beating the bottle to her mouth and blocking the way, or sneaking out of the blanket and waking her up. When she coos she makes some of the cutest noises I have ever heard. Whenever she is tired she will not go to sleep until she is securely swaddled and rocked to sleep in my arms. Luckily, I can easily lie her down in her bassinet once she is asleep. I love the feeling of knowing she trusts me and needs me for her to succumb to a quiet sleep. I love that she does not feel the need to cry when it is sleepy time. I love holding her in my arms and being her mom. The feeling that I am her only biological mother, the one who carried and birthed her. What a wonderful experience that was.

I have a point to this. At around 6 weeks postpartum Juniper and I were still working on successfully breastfeeding. There were roadblocks one after another and I promised her we would get through it and that I would never give up. That I would give everything I could to ensure that she received the most fortified food on the planet. But after six weeks of ups and downs, encouragement and discouragement, trial and error, I had to give up. I was stressed out and crying almost every day. We would clear one hurdle but soon another one appeared and it became more and more difficult to muster up the emotional strength to tackle it. I could no longer take the rejection. It hurt to think that I should be the unlucky mom to have these seemingly endless struggles at the breast. I did not feel as close to my baby. I did not enjoy taking care of her. I did not like that I felt that way. So, I had to give in. It was so difficult to call it quits and when I gave in I fell apart. I could not contain my tears. I felt like a failure. Like I could not do what any woman should be able to do. It was terrible.

It could not have gotten any darker.

Then, the light appeared. I accepted my defeat and guess what...Juniper was crying less. I was crying less. I could place her down to sleep. She could happily be awake without me holding her. She allowed me to get other household work done. I noticed the little things that she was doing that melted my heart. She got cuter and cuter daily and I began to feel closer to her. I feel like she knows me and trusts me more. I was not troubled constantly with the strain of nursing and neither was she.

I love being a mom and though it is still hard work I love serving my daughter. The more I serve her the better I feel and the more I love her. I am not unlucky at all. I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy and delivery and a perfectly healthy little girl. That is why I can enjoy reading the above list of lovely daily events.

I do wish that nursing turned out a lot different but I was wisely advised to not look back. But if I could start over and try again I would. And I will with my future children. I am certain that I will succeed one day.

Emily Wilcock


  1. I am SO happy for you Smems:) You are such a good little momma and I know Juniper is a lucky little girl to have you as her momma. It is amazing how much having and raising children teaches us so much about ourselves. I can't wait to read more of your experiences of motherhood! And I am thrilled you finally gave in to that desire to have a blog! Now Jocelyn and I can see her all the time! And you and Heath too. Love you sista!

  2. Hi Emily...... this reminds me of a little quote from Gordon B. Hinckley about anyone who thinks life should be bliss. "Life is Like an Old Time Rail Journey." Google it and read what he has to say about life in general. It is wonderful and I think it will help you when everyday life gets us down. Keep up the good work. Love you. Dad.